its okay

i think im starting to understand

and that really, really sucks

i think i’m starting to understand that it’s okay that i miss you. it’s stupid and stupid and stupid stupid stupid but its okay.

and even though what you did was horrible

and even though its taken me four months

i miss the good moments

i miss that initial innocence before i realized just how horrible it could all get.

maybe in another world we were okay

maybe that sucked

maybe it was incredible

maybe it was safe



and i like the memories that i have

i like how i remember when i brushed your hand and you grabbed mine and i was so scared that i threw your hand down and walked faster because i couldn’t believe you were here you were real you were there

remember when we hugged for the first time?

remember how i had no idea how i’d love you so hard and then break into a million pieces

i’d go back to that in a heartbeat if it meant i could forget everything that happened after

remember how you patted my back and my face went beet red?

remember when you used to tell me you loved me and meant it

before it all broke

before you stopped looking at me

before you dropped my hand in front of your friends

before you chose her over me

i hate you

its okay.

remember the time when?

Time: 9:31 AM

Location: Your living room, on your white leather couch

Date: 15th of August, 2021

We are sitting on your couch

Your brother

Is sitting next to me

Your mother

Is in the room

In the room

You are playing Gravity Falls on your half-million-dollar tv

I am sitting next to you

You pull me into

Into your lap

Wrap your arms around

My stomach

One of your hands begin to wander

I push it away

Time: 9:35 AM

Location: Slightly to the left of our original position on your white leather couch

Date: 15th of August, 2021

What happened to the air?

All of the air is gone;

I am in your lap

I cannot move

And when

The panic sets in

I mistake it

For love

Time: 9:41 AM

Location: Your bathroom

Date: 15th of August, 2021

I am hiding

In your bathroom

There is air here

I ignore that the air is here because

you are not

Time: 7:16 PM

Location: My parents bedroom, safe

Date: 15th of August, 2021

I fall asleep

With a smile on my face

All of the worry

Is pushed back

And I can only think of you

As safe

Time: 12:36 PM

Location: My bedroom

Date: 15th of Februrary, 2022

It is me again

I am here to tell you

I was wrong




A white leather couch

I don’t want

To be




A bed

Blue blankets

Not safe

Not free








I smile

Because I

Have to

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